I think I have an illness. Or rather, I have had an illness for a few years. This illness, the name of which I don't know, prevents you from respecting anyone wholeheartedly. I revere no one now. I revere no other student. They have much more time to study than I and waste still much more. They make fun of other students when they have nothing to be proud of. They cannot read English correctly when they are convinced they can. I revere no teacher that I have ever met since I entered the graduate school. It is true that they are knowledgeable, but they don't seem to be a model to imitate. I revere none of my coworkers. They are always saying what they want, not what needs to be said. They idle away a lot of time by appearing to be working but producing nothing.
When I realized this fact, this tendency to revere no one seemed to me to be an illness. Presumably, this is how I have managed to live this life. I have been a graduate student for more than two years. I have been working part-time for a cram school in order to save money for tuition. The school has fewer teachers than it needs. This has been causing me to spend less time doing research than ordinary students, which leads to the poor quality of my research. This, in turn, invites other students and professors to regard me as incompetent. I have had to struggle through all of this and the means by virtue of which I have managed to do this is this disease. I am now wondering what other means there could have been.